Monday, February 14, 2011

so I suck

I very down. I suck at keeping anything updated anymore. I'm going to apologize ahead of time for being so random. I know this is just me taking some time to talk. I don't want pity or sympathy I just want to talk.

I am down for multiple reason. I assume a lot of it has to do with hormones. I'd like to think this is partly my body getting back into normal non-birth-control flow. I am feeling a million things
- sad that I am financially strapped.
- Sad that I have been passed over again at work
- anxious. wanting to be pregnant again
- disgusted with my weight, but feel I have no time to work out.
- frustrated with my relationship
- frustrated with my house never being clean
- upset that my husband, who won me over being romantic, can't seem to find a romantic bone in his body
- upset that I'm so down. I prefer to be my normal happy self
- out of place at work, like i've done something and that I'll never get anywhere unless I hang around another 4 years.

This last week I found out that I'm probably not getting any state tax returns (when I expected 1500) because I've been claiming ky locality incorrectly for 4 years and they just caught it and will want "a portion, plus interest" of the extra returned money back.

Found out I do not get the position I had at work back, didn't find out why, that's to come most likely tomorrow. If they don't drag their asses like they do on all other aspects of the job. Everything can't that that fucking long. I'm really fed up with my work. I would like to hope it will pass, but I have to think of my future and if I'm stuck because of a glass celling, or a grudge, or a one time mix up, or (probably) because I'm passionate (emotionally and vocally) then fuck it. I have never had the issues with emotional control in my life that I've had with this company. Maybe because I've never had so much frustration in a job before.

When I get corrected I get emotional. my supervisors/managers all have reacted like I was wrong to be upset. I have always been driven to success and while I might not always be "in trouble" I see each issue as a mini failure and their inability to be direct about it and how they drag out every conversation overwhelms me and I end up resorting to getting over emotional (aka crying) so fuck it. I could go into detail but since they all have marked me as emotional, which is usually my frustrations overflowing into tears, they tend to talk to me like i'm a child. Every conversation starts out with "why did you do/say this" not, "Did you do/say this. Please don't" is that that hard? Anyways I'm done.

My relationship with my husband is great, for him. He stays at home, plays video games or surfs the internet 2-4 hrs a day only stopping to feed/tend to the baby. Then he doesn't get her to bed or naps on time, or lets her sleep extra long. Then when she's up when I get home she is so over tired but I still have to make my own dinner because my meals don't fall at a convenient place in his schedule (and I'm not content with pizza every day). Then for valentines day I at least hope to have an acknowledgement or anything. I plan a weekend getaway and feel under-satisfied and feel almost guilty about the money spent.

I want my house to get the attention that I feel it would if I were staying home. I want myself to feel the attention that I miss. I'm lonely... I want to believe this is a phase and everything will return to normal soon, but I think something needs to change and I'm not sure what.

I'm going to stop for now. I need to get some rest. These feelings get exaggerated when I need sleep. Now that I've written everything down I may not feel it anymore tomorrow or I might just move on. I just wanted to write the feelings of swelling up tears I've been holding in for a while.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


That pretty much sums everything I want to write/complain about tonight. Well, I guess it's really morning.

I'm tired of being poor. Not being able to spend money on anything. This really means nothing. If it's not a bill or gas/food I've been forced to charge it which I know is completely the opposite direction of where I want our finances to go. I was hoping we would be paying down the debt and out of it in 3 years, but with randy still not having a job and doing nothing to make us money its what we have to do for now.

I feel very frustrated about the money. What can I do, which makes me feel helpless. He says he's applying and I know he is, but it leaves me further frustrated when he tells me he applied for a couple jobs a day, and isn't getting call backs and isn't doing anything to change the situation. There's a time to be picky and this isn't it.

I also get frustrated that the house is not spotless. I think watching a baby for 9 hrs while I'm gone would leave you plenty of time to get house work done. When I ask what he did today he took care of the baby and applied for a couple jobs. Which seems to be all he has time for but he's been playing a video game for 4 hours, no house work done, or less than an hr spent doing whatever was done. I just get frustrated with it. It makes me want to take all the video game everything away and say ok now what are you going to do.

Its now the day before my 27th birthday. I'm on the back side of my twenties. I always get irritated around my birthday because Randy never does anything to make it special for me. I'm pretty sure I've done something every year for him. I've been surprised with a birthday cake one year. I think that's it. Rachel has done things to make my birthday special, but I wouldn't be so upset about it if Randy seemed to care more or at all some times.

I tend to be more melodramatic when I'm tired. So, I'm sure of this will not be all that frustrating after 8 hrs of sleep. I do know these feeling have been there on the back burner for a while. I try to push them aside because I love Randy and talking about things he's doing that frustrates me make him hostile and distant more than anything else. So, I just deal because its better that way.

I think it would just all be better if/when randy has a job and there's more money coming in so we're comfortable again. Maybe I'm just getting impatient. I don't know. Just ready for this phase of our lives to be over. Ok gonna try to get the baby to bed. Randy figured we should get her up because she didn't eat well today and we wanted her to sleep in. A hungry tummy wakes her up before most anything else. She's been handing me blocks and being a terror in our living room for about an hour now. gnight

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

New shift and stuff

So, yesterday I started my new shift at work. I am happy to be on a later shift. My body is more receptive to the hours. However if I don't get a nap I'll still be tired tonight. I went to bed at about 4am and officially got up at about 11 after getting up twice to give Freya the paci. I thought we were almost done with it, but she's recently wanted it more. I figure she's gone through some change the last month and some serious teething so we'll give her a little before trying to decrease it's use again. I wish she would take to something else for a lovely.

Work will be interesting. As we were in the process of switching shifts the sup that I should be reporting to is now "no longer with the company" There are rumors, but I don't know what really happened, and it doesn't really matter. But, I am going to still be working with the agents even though they will be reporting to different sups. Funny thing I have been proud to know most people working in the department, but this batch is a lot of new people and I only know a third of them.

Last night the manager asked me to get together where they all are and report to him by the end of the week. It kinda surprised me a bit. That's not something I have ever been asked by a manager or really anyone. I'm glad to have the opportunity to show what I can do, but I don't know about the sup position.

I keep saying I'm not going to apply, but I know I should. I don't want to be over loaded with work so that it interferes with my family. Being salaried means you have to essentially work mandatory over time, with no overtime pay. But I wouldn't have to worry about a lot of the technicalities of being a lead. I don't know for now I'm sticking to not applying. I think I want someone else to convince me to apply. Call it what you want. Well time to get Randy up to be with Freya so I can take a nap before lunch.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Life as we know it

For anyone that had stopped by in the past. I got off track on my previous writing trend (my adventure on a diet) and don't feel the desire to stay with that type of blog. I am changing over to something that I feel good writing about. Which will vary from day to day, and will suit my needs for whatever day it may be for whatever topic I feel like. Now lets begin...

Well, I used to keep up journals all the time in high school and college. It faded out as I grew up and entered the real world. I have attempted time and again to start a blog/journal, but tend to trail off after a couple days. Here's another honest go at it. I think it may be different, I always think it will be different. We'll see. I really should set asside time in my day every day to write. It has always cleared my head and I enjoy posting my completely honest thoughts.

It has been a strange couple of years. About this time 2 years ago I was starting to feel like I would never get pregnant and was really feeling down. I had been married for a year, had a house for a year, randy and I were both in stable jobs. Everything was perfect.

Here we are 2 years later with a 15mth old and everything is perfect, we might not have the money we had then, but everything else is better. I don't doubt my relationship. I love my family. I love Freya. I feel she has the perfect name, it was worth 5 months of research. I love Randy so much and depend on him so that I get completely paranoid that he's gonna cheat on me. I have no good reason to think it, but I can't help it. The feeling comes and goes with my paranoia and I just keep reassuring myself that he is faithful and the feeling will die down and I'll go back to being sane again for a while.

Freya is perfect. I love her so much. I try to be a reasonable person about things. But I still check that she's breathing from time to time during long quiet naps. I try not to think she is more than normal. She is smart, but all babies are smart and all parents think their babies are the smartest. She is vocally ahead of the books, but she didn't walk til 14mths which was a little behind average. She gets undivided attention from us, no siblings or other children to get in the way of her 1-on-1 life training. Not to say that other children always get in the way of a child's learning. I know there are things she would learn better if there were other children around. She does have cats, video games and tv to get in the way of her learning from time to time, but no one's perfect.

There are a few things I think I/we do differently from others. I don't try to rush her in growing up, but I want to make sure I'm not holding her back. I like to let her explore things that aren't baby proof without interference so she can learn not only skills, but also that limits are not always physical. I buy toys that are for ages 3 and up. I have a couple 3 and up toys that I can't believe would interest a 3 year old. I can see why children who's parents follow the safety rules would be stupid. I like to think of how people in pioneer days raised their kids. They had dirt floors, played with all the animals, ate food that wasn't kept in a refrigerator, entertained themselves with sticks and whatever piece of nature they found. Those kids survived (well most of the time) They didn't sanitize everything. They got sick and got better. I try to think, well if Freya did get sick or hurt we have the best medicine in history and she can get better.

Right now she's asleep. So far training her to go to late second shift hasn't been very productive, but it's only been 2 nights. I could get her up for a few hrs, but I want to train her to be in bed by midnight. I feel that would work best for our schedules, whatever they end up being. I am excited for the future. I know that my situation could be better, but I am loved and that's all I need.