Monday, February 14, 2011

so I suck

I very down. I suck at keeping anything updated anymore. I'm going to apologize ahead of time for being so random. I know this is just me taking some time to talk. I don't want pity or sympathy I just want to talk.

I am down for multiple reason. I assume a lot of it has to do with hormones. I'd like to think this is partly my body getting back into normal non-birth-control flow. I am feeling a million things
- sad that I am financially strapped.
- Sad that I have been passed over again at work
- anxious. wanting to be pregnant again
- disgusted with my weight, but feel I have no time to work out.
- frustrated with my relationship
- frustrated with my house never being clean
- upset that my husband, who won me over being romantic, can't seem to find a romantic bone in his body
- upset that I'm so down. I prefer to be my normal happy self
- out of place at work, like i've done something and that I'll never get anywhere unless I hang around another 4 years.

This last week I found out that I'm probably not getting any state tax returns (when I expected 1500) because I've been claiming ky locality incorrectly for 4 years and they just caught it and will want "a portion, plus interest" of the extra returned money back.

Found out I do not get the position I had at work back, didn't find out why, that's to come most likely tomorrow. If they don't drag their asses like they do on all other aspects of the job. Everything can't that that fucking long. I'm really fed up with my work. I would like to hope it will pass, but I have to think of my future and if I'm stuck because of a glass celling, or a grudge, or a one time mix up, or (probably) because I'm passionate (emotionally and vocally) then fuck it. I have never had the issues with emotional control in my life that I've had with this company. Maybe because I've never had so much frustration in a job before.

When I get corrected I get emotional. my supervisors/managers all have reacted like I was wrong to be upset. I have always been driven to success and while I might not always be "in trouble" I see each issue as a mini failure and their inability to be direct about it and how they drag out every conversation overwhelms me and I end up resorting to getting over emotional (aka crying) so fuck it. I could go into detail but since they all have marked me as emotional, which is usually my frustrations overflowing into tears, they tend to talk to me like i'm a child. Every conversation starts out with "why did you do/say this" not, "Did you do/say this. Please don't" is that that hard? Anyways I'm done.

My relationship with my husband is great, for him. He stays at home, plays video games or surfs the internet 2-4 hrs a day only stopping to feed/tend to the baby. Then he doesn't get her to bed or naps on time, or lets her sleep extra long. Then when she's up when I get home she is so over tired but I still have to make my own dinner because my meals don't fall at a convenient place in his schedule (and I'm not content with pizza every day). Then for valentines day I at least hope to have an acknowledgement or anything. I plan a weekend getaway and feel under-satisfied and feel almost guilty about the money spent.

I want my house to get the attention that I feel it would if I were staying home. I want myself to feel the attention that I miss. I'm lonely... I want to believe this is a phase and everything will return to normal soon, but I think something needs to change and I'm not sure what.

I'm going to stop for now. I need to get some rest. These feelings get exaggerated when I need sleep. Now that I've written everything down I may not feel it anymore tomorrow or I might just move on. I just wanted to write the feelings of swelling up tears I've been holding in for a while.

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